Texans at Eagles (-8.5)
Fresh off a fight with Cortland Finnegan, Andre Johnson takes his fists to Philadelphia to face Vick and the Eagles. The Texans defensive backfield has DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin owners salivating at all the fantasy points on the table. The 8.5 point cushion that Vegas is giving Philly seems a bit high, I’ll take the Eagles to win but Houston to beat the spread. Whatever the over is, take it.
ROTU pick: Houston Texans
Broncos at Chiefs (-9)
As a Kyle Orton owner, I am going to love the garbage time points he’ll get in the fourth quarter but fear the moment Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels to give Tim Teblow a look and hawks my fantasy points. McDaniels seems like a prick like that.
ROTU pick: Kansas City Chiefs
Saints (-7) at Bengals
The spread is only 7 on this? Bet your neighbor’s farm on this one, that way even if you lose they won’t be around to hold it against you. It’s time for New Orleans to go into F-U Mode and make a playoff push. The victim this week is the Bengals. Side note: Who buys a replica jersey with crappy Drew Brees nicknames on the back like in those NFL Shop commercials? I cannot imagine a scenario where I plunk down $115 for a jersey that says “Lil Breesy” on the back.
ROTU pick: New Orleans Saints
Redskins at Giants (-7)
I’m hearing the Giants get Hakeem Nicks back. They’ll need him against an improving Skins defense. I had the beginning of a Hakeem Olajuwon/Stevie Nicks joke going, but that’s as far as it got and wasn’t getting any better.
ROTU pick: New York Giants
Jaguars at Titans (no line)
Rusty Smith against a plucky Jaguars team? No thanks. What the hell does plucky mean?
ROTU pick: Jacksonville Jaguars
Bears (-3.5) at Lions
I’m somewhat shocked the line is only 3.5, even if the game is on the road for the Bears. Shaun Hill is hurt and Drew Stanton is under center. I understand the Lions have lost a ton of close games, but this Bears team is playing at an elite level. Chicago is my suicide pick this week.
ROTU pick: Chicago Bears
Browns at Dolphins (-4.5)
Another Jake Delhomme start equals another game where the Browns don’t beat the spread. I would take the Dolphins here even if Cleo Lemon was signed and named starter. I wouldn’t trust Jake to lead my grandmother across the street. I’m sure a semi truck would intercept her before she got off the curb. Nanny doesn’t need that.
ROTU pick: Miami Dolphins
49ers at Packers (-10)
It’s not really a question of who will win, but by how much. I would like to see this stay close and Troy Smith keep his job in the starting lineup. I’d also like to see Brian Westbrook set the record for most concussions in a regulation length game. I believe Chris Chandler holds the current record of 5.
ROTU pick: Green Bay Packers
Bills at Vikings (-6)
Buffalo almost beats Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh is better than Minnesota. Somehow this means Buffalo will beat Minnesota. Disappointed that Steve Johnson didn’t flash a “No Means No” undershirt last week. He can redeem himself with a “Pick Six and Dick Pics” undershirt this week.
ROTU pick: Buffalo Bills
Raiders at Chargers (-13)
Almost made the Chargers my suicide pick this week but it just seems TOO easy a choice. Norv Turner can’t possibly lose a gimme can he? I’m skeptical, but not ignorant. Chargers win, but not by 13.
ROTU pick: Oakland Raiders
Panthers at Seahawks (-6)
Considered Seattle with my suicide pick as well, just couldn’t put myself through the four hours of torture rooting for the Seahawks would have led to. If it wasn’t for fantasy football, would more than seven people watch this game?
ROTU pick: Seattle Seahawks
Rams (-3.5) at Cardinals
Everyone finally sees what Browns fan knew all along, Derek Anderson is and was always terrible. I took great joy in watching him self-destruct on national television during and after the Monday night game. Samuel Bradford has been playing well despite an extremely limited receiving core. $5 says Larry Fitzgerald casually strolls to the other sideline after the half and refuses to leave. He and Steven Jackson would look like the Milli Vanilli of the NFL. This has to happen.
ROTU pick: St. Louis Rams
Cowboys at Colts (-5.5)
Peyton Manning should start scouting local talent to round out his increasingly failing offense. I suggest the Roller Derby for some line
women and the Pacers game for some receivers. Dallas may be finally putting together a formidable offense, but is it enough to beat the Colts in Indy? Meh, maybe. How’s THAT for commitment?!
ROTU pick: Dallas Cowboys
Falcons (-3) at Buccaneers
Atlanta is one of the hottest teams in the NFC and look like real contenders. Tampa doesn’t have the talent to stop them.
ROTU pick: Atlanta Falcons
Steelers at Ravens (-3)
I can’t pick Baltimore in this game based purely because they refuse to give the ball to Anquan Boldin. Douchebags.
ROTU pick: Pittsburgh Steelers
Jets at Patriots (-3.5)
The argument for flex scheduling. Game of the week. For the love of God, give LT the ball! The playoffs are on the line for me!
ROTU pick: New York Jets
Week 12: 10-6-0