Week 10: Old Timey NFL Picks

Welcome back, folks!  It’s time for the Week 10 Old Timey NFL Picks and Previews!

Up first, the spotlight games!

First, Vikings (-1.5) at Bears.  Heavy cake Adrian Peterson and Father Time kept Vikings’ grifter Brad Childress out of the Chicago coffin with a comeback win last week.  The defense is finally starting to apply pressure and that’s a recipe for disaster for the Bears and their bean shooter, Jay Cutler.  The stars tell me we’re in for a low scoring game as the defenses will take turns trading paint with the quarterbacks.  If only to drive Minnesota fans crackers, the Vikings will be ahead when the clock hits zero

Our pick:  Minnesota Vikings

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Next up, Jets (-3) at Browns.  This has become a hotter ticket than the last Valentino flick.  The brothers Ryan will go sinker to spinach on Sunday in Cleveland.  Rob and Rex might be my favorite twin brothers since the Gold Dust Twins.  Can you imagine Christmas time in that house?  The Jets are coming off of a goose egg against the Packers and a needed overtime last week against the Lions.  A close game favors Cleveland.  Colt McCoy will continue to play gloriously average but mistake free football.  Peyton Hillis will need to keep playing the role of baby grand.  The Jets cornerbacks will prove unneeded against the Browns non-existent wide receiving core.  I would be surprised if they even make the trip.

Our pick:  Cleveland Browns

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Next on the docket, Seahawks at Cardinals (-3).

That word, by the way, is poop.

Our pick:  Arizona Cardinals

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Finally, Panthers at Buccaneers (-6.5).  Tampa will look to rebound on home turf after coming back to Earth half a fortnight ago at the hands of the Falcons.  Carolina might as well wear the Creamsicle orange of the old Bucs, they might be as bad.  The last remaining Panthers fan just took the Hobo Short Line when it was announced that QB Matt Moore is out for the season, forcing Jimmy Clausen will weather the storm.  The once premiere tandem of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart have been all soggy biscuits.  Tampa has been one of the major surprises this season and I cannot imagine a scenario where they don’t improve to 6-3.  The Bucs are my suicide pick this week.

Our pick:  Tampa Bay Buccaneers

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THE REST OF THE SLATE…

Thursday , Nov. 11

Ravens at Falcons (-1)

Atlanta is coming off a big divisional win against the Bucs.  Baltimore comes to town after having beaten the Dolphins so badly, the Fins are changing QBs.  Baltimore has the higher octane offense so I’m taking them, however this could go either way.

Our pick:  Baltimore Ravens

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Sunday , Nov. 14

Lions at Bills (-3)

Matt Stafford is out for the season after his second major shoulder injury of the season.  Shaun Hill or Drew Stanton will take the helm for the Lions the rest of the way.  Buffalo keeps pushing teams to the brink of a loss, just can’t get over the hump.  The Bills have to win at some point, right?

Our pick:  Buffalo Bills

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Titans (-1) at Dolphins

Chad Pennington takes over as the starting QB for the Dolphins.  What was it I said about Henne last week?  I love the few times I’m right.  Randy Moss makes his Titans debut.  He may not touch the ball, but he’ll draw the safeties back, allowing Nate Washington room in the slot and Chris Johnson room in the box to torch a previously overrated defense.

Our pick:  Tennessee Titans

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Texans at Jaguars (-1)

Andre Johnson is banged up again.  Won’t matter (except to my GD fantasy teams), as Arian Foster will eat the Jaguars alive.  Roar.

Our pick:  Houston Texans

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Bengals at Colts (-7)

Peyton lost another receiver last week when Austin Collie got knocked out.  How can Manning still hang receivers out to dry at this point in his career and no one thinks it was intentional?  That is the ultimate passive aggressive move by a QB, lob it across the middle and let the safety do your bidding.  It’s genius!  What could Collie have done to PeyPey?  Oh, and the Bengals are the Bengals again.  The world has balance.

Our pick:  Indianapolis Colts

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Chiefs (-1) at Broncos

As a fantasy owner of Kyle Orton, I hope KC takes it to them quickly so I can gobble up the garbage points.  Josh McDaniels, architect of the Peyton Hillis and picks for Brady Quinn trade and drafter of Tim Tebow, really has no shot here.  Denver couldn’t stop Jamaal Charles or Thomas Jones if either was made to run in a potato sack.

Our pick:  Kansas City Chiefs

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Rams at 49ers (-6)

Sam Bradford versus Troy Smiff.  It’s the NFL on FOX!  As a Buckeye alum, I’m really happy to see Troy getting a chance in the NFL, even if by default.  I’ll take Troy and Franklin Gore to eek one out, ruining the chance to see Mike Singletary kill a man on the sidelines.  I like the 49ers to win, but not by 6.

Our pick:  St. Louis Rams

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Cowboys at Giants (-14)

Wade Phillips finally gets his waddling papers.  Unless Tom Landry himself is rising from the ashes for this Cowboys team, they do not stand a chance against the hottest team in the NFC.  Fingers crossed for garbage time points for Miles Austin!  Giants will win, but that spread scares me.  Dallas has talent and might find motivation after Phillips cleans out his pantry desk.

Our pick:  Dallas Cowboys

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Patriots at Steelers (-5)

New England was stunned in Cleveland last week.  Pittsburgh is riding high after a divisional win against Cincinnati.  As much as I hate both of these teams, I guess I will take the Steelers offense over the Patriots defense.  Really looking forward to ignoring this game.  Grey penis versus lesbian hair.  Meh.

Our pick:  Pittsburgh Steelers

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Monday , Nov. 15

Eagles (-3) at Redskins

Vick has the ability run circles around the Skins defense like he’s in a Benny Hill sketch and suffer catastrophic injury like he’s in a Bugs Bunny sketch.  Who will Mike Shanahan go with under center late in the game?  Cannot wait to hear Mike & Mike shout at each other about this one Tuesday morning.  **gun shot gesture to the temple**

Our pick:  Philadelphia Eagles

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ROTU record

Week 9:  9-3-1

Overall:  64-60-6

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