ROTU mailbag

I don’t get any mail here. Not even spam for penis enlargment. But it’s cool. Really, it is. I have so many free samples of Extenze sitting around from my various mailing aliases that it would be overkill. However, I do like to answer stuff. As such, I decided to take a crack at some questions that other people have been asked in the new segment, ROTU mailbag…

This one comes from Anne in NJ to Savage Love

A new euphemism: when someone cheats on a spouse, that should be known as “hiking the Appalachian Trail” in honor of South Carolina governor Mark Sanford.

But I have to say that this Adultery Confessional Theater is getting tired. Can our culture start to deflate the drama on extramarital affairs a little? Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig, Jon and Kate, John Ensign, Mark Sanford: yes, it sucks if kids are involved and it often leads to divorce. But I wonder if setting the panic bar a bit lower wouldn’t save more marriages. Maybe we should embrace the fact that few of us will remain monogamous over the long life of a marriage and remove sex from the pressured center of domestic life.

Anne, first off, I prefer the term “fucking someone else” to your cute little euphemism. Secondly, I disagree with the notion of “removing sex from the pressured center of domestic life.” Do you know what domestic life is with sex removed? Roommates. But here, Anne, you’re the one cleaning everything. Know why your hubby makes the bed, takes out the trash, etc.? So that you’ll fuck him. Don’t want your husband to “hike the Appalachian Trail”? Blow the man while he watches 24 and make him a sandwich. And not just once, as a pity beejer. Do this regularly and he will never stray. End of story.

Dorothy Zalewski, Rochester Hills, MI. asks “This Old House”

I think it’s time to replace my gas furnace. But before I call for estimates, can you give me some idea of what I should be looking for?

First thing you should do, Dorothy, is change your name. Two types of people are named Dorothy, lost little girls from Kansas and 95 year old women at the Senior Center playing mah jong. Second, check out your county’s sex offender registry before calling contractors. A little leg work up front will help you out in the long run. Lastly, re-read your fucking question. You wanna replace your furnace. Before you call for estimates, see if they sell goddamn furnaces. Now go help out Anne and make her husband a sandwich.

Brucay asks Yahoo

What are some good questions to ask people to get to know them?

I would start with something simple, like “What is your safe word?” or “What are your thoughts on abortion?” That ought to get the conversation flowing. If you feel the conversation starting to wane, I recommend asking them to show you theirs, but only with the promise of reciprocation. As a last resort, simply ask if they can keep a secret. If they say yes, kill the person to their right (unless that person is you). If they say no, kill them. Dead men tell no tales. If these don’t work, you probably didn’t want to know them in the first place.

Alicia in Parts Unknown asks

I am unofficially dating a guy, but I am hesitating because he just got out of jail on a DUI charge and my dad doesn’t approve. I really like this guy, but I want my dad to like him too. It’s really hard when you like someone and you can’t feel right being with him because you want what your parents want. I am 19 and I do have the right to choose, but I don’t want to lose a good relationship with my father over a guy.

Unofficially dating? So you’re just banging? Your dad is pissed because this loser obviously isn’t smart enough to avoid getting caught. Remember, nothing is a crime until you’re caught. He wants you to be with a smart guy, one who can commit crimes and evade the law. Go after bank robbers, they’re at the top of the criminal food chain. Robbing a bank takes insight, intelligence, leadership skills, precision planning, and a good driver. Dear old dad just doesn’t want you randomly hooking up with drunks.

An anonymous emailer asked’s Miss Conduct

How does one politely raise the question of missing figurines with a strongly suspected purloiner: the niece and coworker of a good, long-term cleaning person?

Well, first, don’t be too chicken shit to tell us who you are. Second, this is easy, call immigration. Third, dad, don’t own figurines and use words like purloiner, people will start to get the wrong idea.

This question comes from Kellie to the mailbag at Dance Magazine

My son is 6 years old, and he loves singing and dancing. His favorite group is ‘NSYNC; he is always singing and dancing to their music. He wants to be in the spotlight. He is very friendly and outgoing. But I have no idea where to look to get him started. This is his dream, and it would mean so much to us if you could help.

My advice begins and ends with one suggestion, send him to church camp. They’ll pray the gay out of him. Next!

An anonymous girl asked Dr. Drew

I’m under 18 years old. Do I need my parents’ permission to get birth-control pills?

Actually, no, you don’t. However, to get the morning after pill, you do need to be 18 or be with a parent. Screw carefully, children! Not many things are more embarrassing than watching dad put your abortion pill on his Amex.

r11j17 asks Yahoo

Does a mentally abusive man change if we have a baby?

i have been in a scret relashionship with this man, my family do not approve of me being with him as he is of a different race..e have been 2gther 4 years and 3out the 4 years he has treated me unjust and bad, it started off with him putting me down about how i dressed and calling me stupid wanting to change me and i realised he was very selfish and not relyable this hurt me as i have always been there for him, anything he wanted im there, he has always wanted a family and a home but blamed me for r troubles becuase he said i let time make his feelings change.i love hom so much but i believed i could make him change the way he treats me. he says he dont love me how a man should love a woman and say he dont want me but always fones me, i get confused, he says he wants kids and he aint getting no where with me but he makes very little effort i feel im to blame as i wasted time. im pregant and he says he will be there for me but cant promise it will be all aright! will the baby chaneg him towrads me. (ED., I would have fixed the spelling, but I had a stroke midway through)

r11, OF COURSE having a baby will change him! Haven’t you ever seen a Lifetime special? No matter how abusive (physically, verbally, mentally) a man is, there are two things that change him almost immediately, marriage and children. If one doesn’t work, try the other. I guarantee a lifetime of bliss or your money back. You’re welcome.

Michael Abendula asks Google Maps

How do I get from Denver, CO to Guymon, OK?

Head south on Sherman St toward E 13th Ave. Then take the 1st right onto E 13th Ave for 0.8 miles. Turn left at Kalamath St. Take a slight right at 6th Ave. Take the I-25 exit toward Colo Springs/Ft Collins. Keep left at the fork to continue toward I-25 S and merge onto I-25 S. Take exit 451 for US-64 E/US-87 E/Clayton toward Raton. Merge onto US-87 S. Turn left at Clayton Rd/US-64 E/US-87 S. Continue to follow US-64 E/US-87 S. Turn left at Main St/US-412 E/US-56 E/US-64 E. Continue to follow US-412 E/US-56 E/US-64 E. At the traffic circle, take the 1st exit onto Main St/OK-3 E/US-412 E. Continue to follow OK-3 E/US-412 E. Now you’re in Guymon, OK.

That’s it for now, folks.

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One Response to ROTU mailbag

  1. ryan says:

    haha, fucking brilliant

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