Ah, Spencer’s Gifts. The crown jewel of any Mid-Western mall worth its salt. Where else can you find a vibrator, marijuana posters, and a talking Homer Simpson toy all within 20 feet of an Auntie Anne’s pretzel shop? Does Spencer’s serve a purpose other than killing time while the ol’ lady is shoe shopping down at Macy’s or getting high on the overpowering funk of candles at Bath and Body Works? There are three types of people who enjoy this emporium of crap: twelve year old boys, dumb ass stoners, and 45 year old women.
I’ve compiled a brief list of the 10 dumbest things they peddle. These are in no particular order.
I’m really trying to find a practical or humorous use for either of these products. Still trying…. I got nothin’. Purchase one of these and you are deserving of a punch in the wiener. Good thing is comes with the “For Adults Only” warning, we wouldn’t want our kids to get ahold of this piece of shit.
If purchased one, was gifted one, or even looked at one, you are clearly not a Pimp or a Balla’. Because nothing says Pimp or Balla’ like a cup adorned with that moniker than ran you $19.99. Dork.
Lottery tickets are an inherently stupid gift idea. They are basically a gift of nothing. On the off chance that the real ticket hits, you will probably resent the person you gave them to forever. Fake lottery tickets, however, are a real kick in the balls for both gifter and giftee. (I’m assuming these would be purchased as a gift. Why would anyone buy this for themselves?) If I ever received fake lottery tickets, I would have to return the gift with a one way ticket out of my life. Take the $5 and get me a cinnamon roll from Cinnabun, since you were obviously at the mall anyway.
7) Boob topper
“Hey, look at me, I’m drinking from a boob! A boob that has been manufactured by the Coca-Cola company. Why is no one in a gut busting fit of unrequited laughter?” What a boob.
Guy’s shirt: “May I suggest the sausage?”
Girl: “No. May I suggest a restraining order?”
This could be extended to cover any article of clothing that blatantly crosses the line from clever innuendo to “creepy douchebag who is probably compensating for other deficiencies”. Another example is the “The Man, The Legend” shirts with hands pointed accordingly. Witty conversation and smooth confidence aren’t getting you laid? Try adding an overtly sexual t-shirt to the mix and wait for the ladies to swoon. Assuming ladies still swoon.
The hat comes in adult sizes. Wow. I think this hat is endorsed by NAMBLA. It’s always good to get on the kid’s level.
A drinking game that requires balance? Interesting choice. Maybe the target demographic is Etiquette School lushes. For the other 99.999% of us, this product doesn’t make a damn bit of sense. And furthermore, it isn’t remotely funny.
This little gag is hilarious until your toilet is clogged and your sub-pump overflows because you decided to stock your bathroom with non-rippable TP. Everyone will enjoy watching you try in vain to unclog your toilet as you’re ankle deep in poo water. In this case, your gag did succeed in entertaining your party-goers.
2) Fake GPS
Put one of these in your fake car so that fake crooks can break into your car thinking they got your Garmin. Then you can file a fake police report and a fake insurance claim to repair the fake damage. Morons. If a fake friend bought you one and put it into a real GPS box, fake kill them.
1) Bitch Pills and sister in stupid, the Bitch Card (no link but they’re by the register)
The only conversation I can imagine taking place centering around this product goes like this:
“Hey Pam, you know who needs this? Tammy in accounting!”
“Hahahaha, you’re so funny Susan! We should get it and
put it on her desk.”
“Okay. It’ll be SOOO funny!”
Ugh, go back to Crate and Barrell and spend more of your husband’s money. Stupid middle aged women and their idiotic senses of humor. And by the way, Tammy hates you and so do I.
Dishonorable mention: Any product (shirt, hat, poster, tapistry) centered around pot that requires a black light. I would keep pot illegal solely on the basis of the crap that stoners buy to show everyone they are stoners. This includes everything sold at Hot Topic, but that store just frightens me. Yeah, Hot Topic is more emo than stoner, but I lump the two together.
Waste 20 minutes at Spencer’s? No thanks, I’ll be on the 2nd floor at Cardboard Heroes.